On happiness

Last night, for about 20 minutes, I was the happiest I've felt in a long time. I'm not saying that I haven't been happy. Last night was just different. I just...things just felt right. Every single thing felt like it was exactly as it should be. I returned the day before from my first camping trip in years (I've had some truly terrible camping experiences in the past- they generally scare me away from woodsy jaunts). Even though I barely slept the entire trip (I don't do so well in the outdoors), even though I felt disgusting by the time I got back, even though some of the fellow campers were slightly crazier than normal, even though I'm absurdly out of shape and hiking kills me, even though a million things, it was a perfect trip. The setting was divine- Grand Teton National Park and Yellowstone. My car mates were wonderful- even though I barely knew half of them before leaving (and one kept calling me the wrong name...I don't think I look like a Becky or a Holly, but apparently I do), and even though we spent dozens of hours riding in a cramped car together over a four day period, there was rarely any tension- any of that "if I have to spend one more second in the car with you people I'll [insert drastic action here]". Well, there was rarely any of that for me, I guess I can't vouch for the others :)

I was able to just enjoy the surroundings, spend some time in silence even though there were so many of us, (I'm a solitary hiker- I have to say I prefer it best when I'm alone and can obsess over small things like flowers and unusual rocks- it's the simple things, right? :), spend lots of time having some ridiculous conversations, some serious conversations, and just enjoy discovering new people and new places.

(Grand Teton, taken from here)

The day after we returned was a state holiday (thank Heaven for Utah and its made-up holidays). I: slept in (wonderful), washed and vacuumed my car (I had forgotten what a pretty deep red it is- I guess colors don't show that well under layers of dirt? Weird how that happens :), spent some time with extended family down South- visiting with cousins I rarely see (one for the first time in 10 years), marveling at the silliness of their kids, eating hot dogs and enjoying the weather. Then I came home to review my notes from ALA for a presentation at work today, but rather than doing it at home, I decided I needed to get out of the house and wander in the mountains. I packed up my notes and some water and hiked the peak behind Ensign, which I've been wanting to do for a long time now.

I'm so glad I decided to check that off my list last night. As soon as I made it to the top, I was overwhelmed with gratitude and deep contentment. I can do hard things. I guess that's the lesson of everything I've been trying to share. If I want to scale a mountain- I can. If I want to have a pleasant time getting to know new people and not make it awkward, I can do that too. If I want to have a charming and delightful visit with relatives with whom there has traditionally been a bit of conflict, I can set that aside and make a conscious choice to improve those relationships. All of that, and in connection, I should stop underestimating my own abilities and set high expectations for myself, having the confidence that I can meet those expectations. Because I can.

And that's the best feeling I've had in a very long time.

This, right now.

A blog I love

Have you ever looked at the blog "the wild and wily ways of a brunette bombshell"?

I'm slightly obsessed and ohsoimpressed. She combines snapshots of life in New York with wonderful, thoughtful, natural writing. The photo posts satisfy my need for adventure, and the written snippets are almost embarrassingly romantic (embarrassing for me to read I mean, because I feel like an interloper- not in any way because of the writing), but still chill-makingly wonderful. Read this, or this, or this series of "letters to the man who'll make me an honest woman". Everything about this blog feels fresh and honest and wonderful.

Remember that one winter when it snowed like madness in Chattanooga? I do. It was heavenly..

The Preservation Hall Jazz Band and the Del McRoury band played in town this week. WHY WASN'T I THERE?!

I just had a moment of real panic RE: not knowing what the future holds. Being in a temporary job which may or may not become permanent and interviewing (successfully? or not?) for other jobs and really just having no insight into where I'll be living in 3-4 months is exhausting.

I know I've talked about this before, and I know it's not a unique situation. Honestly, I'm grateful to be employed at all, for however short a time. I love my workplace, and I'm excited about the outside jobs that I'm applying for. That's a good thing, right? No matter where I end up, there will be perks and there will be sacrifices. If I leave Utah, I'm giving up a community that I absolutely adore, and a cause that I'm excited about, but I'll be (hopefully) gaining a permanent situation and new challenges (you know I love a challenge), and a new place to discover.

I know I'm being incredibly self-indulgent, but can you sympathize?



(photo- my house courtesy of Google Maps' wonderful 8-bit April Fools version)