Things to avoid at all costs

I talked a touch about this on the Facebook already, but I thought I'd put together a quick reference list of things-never-to-mention on a first date, just to help you all out. Not that you need it, really. You're a spectacularly well-adjusted group of people.

• Sasquatch/Bigfoot/Yeti/sincere belief in any cryptozoology/even the fact that you know the term cryptozoology: This is only acceptable if you have a truly excellent story to tell about a great prank you played on a friend that somehow involved any of these elements. I'm all about Bigfoot pranks and hilarious hijinx. I'm not at all about dedicating any substantial portion of time to studying or discussing cryptids.

• Aliens: They may exist, they may not, I'm just not in the mood to get into this kind of speculative science at a first meeting. If you tell me that you think you saw a UFO when you were 9, I'll probably zone out and spend the next 20 minutes thinking about the delicious Thai coconut soup I had for dinner yesterday. There's a time and a place. This is not it. In the middle of an X-Files marathon? Great time. Driving through the Nevada desert? Perfect place. Awkward dinner with someone you barely know? Nope. Shut that down.

• Flipping houses: Don't even talk to me about this. It's not a job. It's a hobby AT BEST. Unless you are passionate about historical restoration, all this tells me about you is that you're probably in get-rich-quick mode, rather than find-something-you-really-love-and-do-it-consistently mode. One is better and healthier than the other. I'll leave it to you to discern which that is.

• Shopping screenplays around to directors: Again, not a job. Don't even bring this up. You're living in Sugarhouse and I find it highly unlikely that this is more than just a pie-in-the-sky idea something along the lines of that discussed in point 3.

• Your love for Big Bang Theory: I can't even deal with this. It's a poorly written, predictable mockery of the geek culture it claims to celebrate. If I don't know you very well, this is pretty much a dealbreaker. At least save it until I know you have other redeeming qualities.

As a coda to this brief list, I should add that any one of these things would be a red flag on its own, but all of them together are a flashing neon DANGER sign. In the future, I will do my part to avoid any situations that might combine all five.

I know all my posts have been about guys lately but I can't help it. Other things in my life are pretty stable so it's what I think about. But really all I want to talk about right now is that moment when you meet someone and you start a REALLY good conversation with them by saying "pants are hard" and then you're talking about gentrification in northeast D.C. and a bunch of other things and you want to keep talking and then you ask them a question that brings up the fact that they recently made a major life change because both of their parents are in bad health and then you feel awkward about having brought it up inadvertently but then the conversation continues and it's still great and you start thinking "it's colder than ANTARCTICA out here" and "what do I do with this plate of half-eaten cheese ball I'm holding" and "hey, maybe he'll ask for my number or something and we can continue this conversation another time and some place warmer" but then he doesn't and it's wrapping up and you're standing there in the bitter cold watching him walk away and thinking "well, that was disappointing" because it was. And then you come home and write a run-on sentence about it. Yeah, you know those moments? They're the worst.

Update: and THEN you find out he's 40 and a high councilman and you have a friend sneakily try to set you up anyways.

I can't help it.

That awkward moment when your boss asks what you're listening to, and you answer "Karmin", because you've been mindlessly listening to "Brokenhearted" on repeat for an hour, and he says "oh Carmen! Oh that's wonderful, good for you!", and then you don't correct him, and you're not sure if it's because you're embarrassed to be listening to such ridiculous music at work, or because you know he'll never understand what you're talking about if you tell him that Carmen was SO eighth grade for you and that if you're going to listen to opera at work, you'd really rather just listen to the last 3 minutes or so of Wagner's masterwork over and over again these days.

And then you remember that OTHER awkward moment when you entered one of the cave chambers singing opera style at the top of your lungs- because you thought it was empty and also because you're RIDICULOUS- and then saw him turn a corner at the back of the chamber and start walking your way, and you know, in that moment of remembering, that you'll be that crazy opera obsessed employee in his brain for the rest of your days, just as you were, inexplicably, a Disneyland geek in the brain of your last boss.

But there are worse things, right?

Midnight in Awkwardland

Today I went to the release party for Shannon Hale's new book "Midnight in Austenland"! It was so much fun! I don't think I've ever been to a book signing before...shocking, right? I went by myself, and it was at a tiny independent bookstore over in Sugarhouse. She told hilarious stories about filming "Austenland" in England over the summer, I somehow ended up standing sandwiched between her parents and her husband, there was an impromptu murder mystery game to be played while waiting for signing, and there were also secret prizes hidden throughout the bookstore- I found one! It's the German edition of my favorite book of hers- "Book of a Thousand Days". Maybe it's a sign that I need to ditch Russian and start learning German instead?


Then I was next in line and after spending my line-time thinking about what to say I stepped up and....couldn't say anything. WHAT?! It was like on that episode of Community where Troy meets his hero Lavar Burton and spends the whole visit not talking and running out of the room screaming when ovserwhelmed. Except...she's not even my hero, just an author whose books I enjoy, and who I think is really intelligent and hilarious and just generally kind of great. I think I just jinxed myself by thinking about it too much? And it was just horrible. She wrote something German in my "Das Buch der Tausend Tage" and she looked at it and said "I hope that's right!" and I "well, I won't know if it's not!" and sounded really ungrateful and then walked away awkwardly as she said "it was nice to meet you!" after me. Omg whyyyyyyyyy.



Anyways, I have my copy of "Midnight in Austenland" and I'm super excited to read it.

On a happier note, something truly charming and delightful happened when I first got to the bookstore and was waiting in line to buy my books. I saw the cutest thing I've ever seen. There was a family in front of me in line- two parents and a girl who was maybe 5 or 6- and she was carrying a book of photos of Gaudi's buildings in Barcelona, and she kept turning the page and saying things like "oooh we were there! How old is this building?" She wanted to buy it but her mom kept saying "but we have photos of all those bldgs from when we were there!" Eventually she gave in (who wouldn't give in to a wee squeaky little child begging for a book about great architecture?), and as the little girl handed the book over to her mom, she said in a reverent voice, "it's soooo awesome!". I almost died. I just wanted to eat her she was so cute. What small child cares about Gaudi? Weird and wonderful.

Er...

Um. I don't know how to begin this. But this really happened.

I drove to work today. I KNOW I shouldn't have but it was cold and I was feeling lazy. When I left just now at the end of the day, I got into the Conference Center lobby (the Conference Center is the building across the street from the library. I park under it. On the very rare occasions when I drive. Most other people park under it as well) at the same time as a girl I know who also works at the library, though in a different division. She was in conversation with a tall, slightly attractive man. She saw me and started trying to include me in the conversation because she's nice like that. Problem: it's nearly impossible to come up to speed on a convo that's already been going on for a while when your only involvement comes when someone turns to you and says "Isn't that right? Don't the teams always need us?" WHAT TEAMS?!

Anyways, I did my best to fake my involvement. We got on the elevator and somehow I ended up between these two, still carrying on their conversation. She was getting off on P2, he and I on P4. After she got off, I started making small talk because, as I mentioned, he was not unattractive, OK?!

We arrive at P4. We take a few steps out of the elevator, still chatting. All of a sudden, it hit me. I'M ON THE WRONG FLOOR. I parked three floors up, on P1. So what did I do? Excuse myself and jump back on the elevator like a normal person? Don't make me laugh. I KEPT WALKING.

Not wanting to embarrass myself, I carried on the conversation halfway through the garage. Now. Consider. The Conference Center takes up an ENTIRE city block. I made it halfway through before I came up with a plan and took my leave. Luckily, we arrived at his car just as I made my decision. What was The Plan, you ask? Obviously, I did the only thing I COULD do.

I walked past his car, even further into the garage abyss, and, knowing he would be passing by on his way out of the building soon, and not wanting him to see me turning around, I chose a random car and pretended to unlock it until he was out of sight. I did no more or less than any reasonable person would have done.

Obviously.

I wrote a whole post about how I'm awkward but then tried to upload this gif to lighten the mood. And it did. By somehow deleting ALL of the text. He may look cute in a suit, but he is DEADLY.

OK. I know this is about my hundredth post today.

But I just have to share- I am continually having the most awkward run-ins with our managing director (basically the acting head of the library). He is awesome and I am awkward, that is why our encounters are awkward.

One time I was working on the reference desk and he was down there just chatting with people, and I think trying to get an idea of what the reference desk is like and he was just sitting with each person there and asking them what they do and how they do it and blah blah blah. And I was running back and forth like a chicken with my head cut off because there were a million people with crazy problems that day. And he kept trying to catch me so he could sit and chat with me, but I was trying to help one person for seriously 30 minutes straight. I can't remember what their deal was. Anyways, I ended the shift feeling like I had completely brushed him off...which I didn't. At least I didn't mean to. I hope he didn't feel that way, or they'll never hire me here if a real job does open up.

Anyways, today we were coming back from lunch at the same-ish time, and I was walking towards the building in front of him, and I guess he was trying to catch up with me so he could open the door for me, because he's polite like that. But when there's someone walking quickly behind me, that makes me speed up. Because I'm crazy. Anyways, I got to the door and opened it and we exchanged hellos and as I was opening the inner door, he chastised me for opening my own door! In a nice and joking way, but...dear self, don't be so dense and awkward in the future.

Hopefully our next encounter will be awesome and he'll be all "OMG you're so amazing! Wait, you're just an intern?! We need you here full-time forever!"

A girl can always dream, right?

Parting is such...a horribly unsatisfying moment

You know what I really suck at? Ok, don't go off listing all my faults (though that might be interesting to hear sometime). I really suck at the professional goodbye. You know, when you're leaving a job and you go to say goodbye for the last time to your superior with whom you are friendly, but do not have a loosey-goosey super-casual relationship that would allow you to give them a hug and weep on their shoulder (not that I've ever done that)? Yeah, I suck at that. All I'll allow myself is a handshake, a smile, a few half-mumbled words about how grateful I am for everything, and then...just walk away. But that hardly seems like enough. Ever. So instead of walking away feeling happy that I'm done and grateful that I had the opportunity, I walking away having an anxiety attack thinking about what I should have said that would have felt more complete to me. I eventually have to force myself to do something meaningless to distract my mind, and that usually ends up with me (picture it if you will), walking down the street, focusing very hard on counting every step until I get to the car and can drown myself in mindless public radio.

Oh my life.

But really, thinking about this, I've realized that I just suck at saying goodbye to people period. Nothing I can do in those few minutes seems able to express everything I want to say, even if what I want to say is just "it's been great, k bye!", or "hey you were a bizarre roomate, thanks for messing up my laundry!" Don't worry, if you're reading this and we were roomates, that is not directed at you.

Unfortunately, I've had occasion to say quite a few (probably permanent) goodbyes in the last year or so, what with ending internships and practicums and volunteer work, etc...Maybe I just need to get a more stable, permanent job, and then I can just avoid goodbyes altogether. Awesome plan, me.

P.s. As I was adding tags to this post, I had to create a whole new one for "awkward". It wasn't already in my list of tags- can you believe it, with all the awkward things that happen to me? Well, I should probably say all the awkward things that I do, but anyways...